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Red Stoole's Beer Drinking Troubleshooting Tips |
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SYMPTOM: |
Feet cold and
wet. |
FAULT: |
Glass being held at
incorrect angle. |
ACTION: |
Rotate glass so that open
end points toward ceiling. |
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SYMPTOM: |
Feet warm and
wet. |
FAULT: |
Improper bladder
control. |
ACTION: |
Stand next to nearest
dog, complain about house training. |
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SYMPTOM: |
Beer unusually pale and
tasteless. |
FAULT: |
Glass empty. |
ACTION: |
Get someone to buy you
another beer. |
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SYMPTOM: |
Opposite wall covered
with fluorescent lights. |
FAULT: |
You have fallen over
backward. |
ACTION: |
Have yourself leashed to
bar. |
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SYMPTOM: |
Mouth contains cigarette
butts. |
FAULT: |
You have fallen
forward. |
ACTION: |
See above. |
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SYMPTOM: |
Beer tasteless, front of
your shirt is wet. |
FAULT: |
Mouth not open, or glass
applied to wrong part of face. |
ACTION: |
Retire to restroom,
practice in mirror. |
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SYMPTOM: |
Floor
blurred. |
FAULT: |
You are looking through
bottom of empty glass. |
ACTION: |
Get someone to buy you
another beer. |
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SYMPTOM: |
Floor
moving. |
FAULT: |
You are being carried
out. |
ACTION: |
Find out if you are being
taken to another bar. |
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SYMPTOM: |
Room seems unusually
dark. |
FAULT: |
Bar has
closed. |
ACTION: |
Confirm home address with
bartender. |
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SYMPTOM: |
Taxi suddenly takes on
colorful aspect and textures. |
FAULT: |
Beer consumption has
exceeded personal limitations. |
ACTION: |
Cover mouth. |
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SYMPTOM: |
Everyone looks up to you
and smiles. |
FAULT: |
You are dancing on the
table. |
ACTION: |
Fall on somebody
cushy-looking. |
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SYMPTOM: |
Beer is
crystal-clear. |
FAULT: |
It's water. Somebody is
trying to sober you up. |
ACTION: |
Punch him. |
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SYMPTOM: |
Hands hurt, nose hurts,
mind unusually clear. |
FAULT: |
You have been in a
fight. |
ACTION: |
Apologize to everyone you
see, just in case it was them. |
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SYMPTOM: |
Don't recognize anyone,
don't recognize the room you're in. |
FAULT: |
You've wandered into the
wrong party. |
ACTION: |
See if they have free
beer. |
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SYMPTOM: |
Your singing sounds
distorted. |
FAULT: |
The beer is too
weak. |
ACTION: |
Have more beer until your
voice improves. |
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SYMPTOM: |
Don't remember the words
to the song. |
FAULT: |
Beer is just
right. |
ACTION: |
Play air guitar.
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