Pantry

Mickey Oats: There's no better start to a Suicide Sunday than a nice, big bowl of oats. This stuff is PACKED with enough carbos to support an 18 hour binge at the Starboard without even THINKING about stopping for a snack. If partyin's your game, remember to start your day of right with a bowl of tasty Mickey Oats !
Mount Gay Rum: Nothing goes better with one of Uncle Ed's boring, repetitive stories than a sip of Mount Gay Rum. Distilled and bottled in Rehoboth Beach, these fine spirits will soon have you "blaah, blah, blaahing" your way about town. Don't forget your gay stickers !
Red Stoole Beer: What party would be complete without 2 or 12 of these fine lager beers ! Named after our fearless leader, Red Stoole, this tasty beverage is certain to have you passed out so hard on the living room carpet that the other house members will instinctively find themselves coloring on you with permanent markers or stuffing various phallic objects into your mouth and taking photos. Don't forget to tighten up your belt, too, 'cause this stuff has been known to make your shorts fall to your ankles at the drop of a hat.
Pusman's BBQ Sauce: What could be more exciting than watching a hung-over Cookie Pus "pull his meat" at 9:00 AM in preparation for one of the world famous 5 Bayside Saturday afternoon cookouts ? "What makes Pus' "meat" so tasty", you ask ? It's Pusman's own "special sauce". This stuff's so delicious you'll find yourself devouring so much of Pus' 8 pound "meat" that it'll be nearly impossible to party Saturday night without a long nap and some stimulants.
Mr Clean: Has slow plumbing caused a brown river in YOUR beach house ? If so, try some of our special formula of Mr Clean to mop up the mess. Just a capfull of this miracle cleaner will have your floors shining like Cow Patty Bruce's head !!
Cuntry Cock: Got a drag-home who needs a little "help" ? Forget your KY this weekend ? A palm-full of this oily balm will keep you baaaaaangging all night long !! Use it the following morning to lubricate that squeaky door hinge so you don't wake the housemates on your "walk of shame". Great for frying eggs, too. SPF 8
Doogie's Wealthy Choice: When you are 21 and loaded, why eat healthy when you can eat wealthy. And why eat chicken breasts when you can pay for the real thing. If you are like Dooige and have a problem hooking up, waking up for women or just can't get out of the house because you are too drunk, keep several boxes of Doogie's Wealthy Choice Chick's Breasts in the freezer. Never be alone again, just ask Doogie.
O'Stoole's Amber Lager: Are you 30 pounds overweight from too many Summers' swilling high-calorie REAL beer at the beach ? Want to slim down in a hurry so you can have a body like Joel ? Try O'Stoole's brand non-alcoholic brew. It's better than not drinking at all !!
Roachie's Estrogen Oatmeal: Not feeling up to your normal feminine self in the morning ? Send your man out to buy you a nice heaping bowl of Roachie's Estrogen Oatmeal to start your day off right. It's the perrrrrrrrfect blend of vitamins and minerals to keep your hormones in-check. As an added bonus, each serving is packed with an whopping 200% of the USRDA of estrogen. Guys love it too.... great for getting in-touch with your "feminine side".
LAMBISIL: Are your feet itching to get you to the Starboard but having trouble convincing your significant other to let you go ? Get that girl a prescription for some Clark K. Lamb-isil and you'll soon find yourself party party PARTYING 'till Monday morning. Comes conveniently packaged in sixteen 3-day doses, enough to last a whole season.
R. Wood Lard: We all know that the more body weight you carry around the more you can drink. Do you need to pack on a few dozen pounds for the summer season and all you can seem to find at GNC are weight LOSS supplements ? Well fear no more, 5Bayside.com introduces R. Wood Pure Lard in the 240 pound "chubby" bucket. Just slather this thick, greasy substance on everything you eat and you'll find yourself at prime "fighting weight" before you know it. As an added bonus, bathing in it five or six times per day will keep your pale skin from getting red and blotchy from the sun you are exposed to when stumbling between your beach house and the Starboard.
Ben & Souza's Ice Cream: Are you in the middle of an identity crisis ? Not sure if you're black or white, gay or straight ? Why not pick up a pint of Ben and Souza's Ice Cream to share with your burly male workout partner as you "workout" your sexual identity. Comes in a variety of flavors such as "Nad Nog Nougat", "Balloon Knots and Bubble Gum", "Hate Paste Sorbet" and the all new "Hershey Highway Popsicle".