The Top 18 Signs You've Hired an Ass Clown for Your Child's Party
Reason #18 By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid listening to AM Gold.
Reason #17 Clown car must be started with breathalizer device.
Reason #16 Keeps screaming, "My name's not Ass Clown, it's Stoolie!"
Reason #15 References to "Suicide Sunday" and "Taco Toss" are lost on most 5-year olds.
Reason #14 Props for his "disappearing" trick: a bar tab in your name and a game of "NOT IT".
Reason #13 Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "sleep apnia" trick.
Reason #12 Tells the young girls he killed his wife Molly and is now available to date.
Reason #11 Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to get you in one of his patented "titty twister" holds.
Reason #10 Prefaces each trick with, "Yo kid, can I bum a smoke off ya ?"
Reason #9 Not exactly the "Drunk Clark" impression you were expecting.
Reason #8 Wears a T-Shirt that says, "RED DIRT" or "GALLERY".
Reason #7 More interested in squirting Vodka into his pie hole than performing standard clown tricks.
Reason #6 The Large Red Mullet puts even Ronald McDonald to shame.
Reason #5 A sad clown is one thing -- a clown who spends the entire party bitching and moaning about the current share price of WCOM is another.
Reason #4 Only balloon animals he can make are covered in a viscous spermicidal lubricant.
Reason #3 Business cards include the phrase "If found unconscious, please return to 5Bayside.com. Return postage guaranteed"
Reason #2 Price list includes "Open bar on Doogie's tab" and "A pack of Virginia Slim Lights"
and the Number Sign You've Hired an Ass Clown for Your Child's Party...
Reason #1 You find the Ass Clown passed-out drunk on the stairwell landing at 11 AM.