'Twas The Night Before New Years

'Twas the night before New Years
At 107 Clayton
The place was too quiet
There was no sign of satan
Satan had vanished
He had gone back with Kim
He begged for forgiveness
For nailing tons of trim
No more flying limes
No chicks getting flipped
No late-night bang fests
No more broken pics
The house had a stench
Of filth and of gloom
As 9 lonely souls
Sat in the party room.
There was Pus in the kitchen
Cooking a feast for a king
While Melanie bitched
"There's no engagement ring"
They wretched and they vomitted
From the smell of Russ' pork
It looked like some slop
From the floor of the Cork
There was Clunk with his veggies
And Melanie with smokes
And Dirty Ed doing
The double-handed stroke.
The Bulgies were gone
The Philly girls split
The toilets were clogged
With a giant veagan shit
This house is a mess
It's the smell we can't stand
As the men clutched their dates
In their left and right hands
The party room sucks
The rooms are too small
Stop beating your meat
Find a girlfriend, Ed Gall
It's another disaster
They yelled and they cried
Clayton Street sucks
It ain't no Bayside !
- Joel Kasow