July 15th, 2002

The members of 5 Bayside have always been treated to at least one weekend where our fearless leader Redwood makes an attempt to meet his maker through a slow and often gut-wrenchingly painful death by alcohol poisoning. We're never quite sure exactly when it will happen, but all we know is we want to be there when it does. Well, our wishes came true this weekend as the Red Spew weekend of 2001 was recreated in vivid Technicolor red.

It seems that Stoolie has a certain weakness for the bottle when his pal Sullivan comes to town. The two can usually be found at the Starboard early each morning and blindingly drunk by the time the late risers are seeing daylight for the first time. The binge drinking alone would be held in the highest regard at 5 Bayside. After all, alcohol is what helps make Dewey the debauchery capitol of the world. It's what happens AFTER the drinking that has catapulted our little Redwood to elite status in the Survivor Series polls.

His Saturday started off normally enough with a trip to the beach. We're not sure exactly why Stoolie has taken a liking to the sandy shores. Maybe it's the joy he gets out of crushing every single member's beach chair into a twisted heap of bent aluminum with his portly carcass. Perhaps it's the excitement he gets from watching his mullet change from reddish-brown to orangeish-red from the lemon juice he douses it in. Maybe, JUST maybe he's hoping that his friend the seagull will come by again and drop another load of seagull poo on his chest.

After the beach, Stoolie began swilling the liquor. From Jam session through last call at the Starboard, Stoolie was never seen empty handed. In fact, he was usually seen double fisting the beverages. Beer..... liquor...... shots..... it all went right down his big red pie hole. He did have the sense to eat at some point during the night. Rumor has it he purchased a few slices from Mama Maria's and devoured them with the same voracity that he consumes other people's cigarettes with.

After the bars closed, the members of 5 Bayside began to slowly trickle in and recount the madness of the evening. At some point in the middle of the conversation, though, they were interrupted by the gut-wrenching sound of Stoolie saying his prayers to the porcelain convenience. Not once, not twice, but again and again and again. Nothing was spared... not the walls... not the toilet seat.... not the kitchen floor. And this was no ordinary vomit. This was BRIGHT RED vomit. And not red from the pizza sauce, but rather red from the blood-oozing ulcers in Stoolie's gullet. To his credit, though, Stoolie did clean up after himself and make it into his bed where he slept the rest of the night away in solemn slumber.

Any sensible man or woman might have made an appointment with a medical professional after vomiting up 2 pints of blood in the downstairs toilet bowl, but not our Stoolie. He picked right up where he left off Sunday with a trip to the Starboard that ended with last call at 1 AM. He did make a brief excursion with the rest of the gang to go see Burnt Sienna at the Rusty Rudder, but was thrown out in less than an hour for appearing too drunk. Back to the Starboard he went and proceeded to babble incoherently with anyone who would listen in his own special brand of drunkenese.

So, for trying to bleach his mullet with lemon juice, for drinking himself into a blood-hurling stupor and trying to pass it off as a bad slice of pizza, for taking 12 showers a day and still smelling like a brewery and for getting bounced from the Rudder simply for the way he looked, Joel "Redwood" Kasow-McGee is the undisputed 5 Bayside Survivor Series week 9 loser.