RUSSELSTILTZKIN May 27, 2003 You'd think they'd have learned by now. These rookies will say ANYTHING to get into the house and usually they end up crumbling early on in the season. Who'd have thought it would have happened the first night of opening weekend ? Many of you recall the Summer of 2001 when rookie member 'Doogie' wooed us with offerings of free booze all weekend and a new breed of partying that would turn our little world upside down. Little did we know our little pal 'Doogie' Little would soon be passing out at 9:44PM each night without once covering our tab at Taco Toss. So along comes Summer 2003 and rookie member Russell, affectionately referred to as the 'Love Muscle' by house daddy Joel. Russell started off strong by cracking open a few early morning beers and playing up his drinking prowess with lines like "If we only had some JD around here I'd be doing shots !!". Wow, is it possible for a man of his stature to have shots of Jack for breakfast and still be standing by lunch time ? Could the promise of all night parties and naked strippers parading around the house late night be a remote possibility ? Could the 'Love Muscle' resurrect 5 Bayside from the band of misfit, has-been booze-hounds we have become and return us to the glory days of old ? Sadly, it does not look like it. SUDS OR STARBOARD ? What the heck is Suds ? Ask anyone who's ever been to Dewey where to go at night and you'll get one resounding answer ..... the Starboard. Yeah, sure, there's always Taco Toss and Jam Session, but we're talking late night Friday and Saturday here. So where was our little 'Love Muscle' to be found Friday night ? Well, apparently he and Joel decided to do 'something different' and went to Suds (aka Coconuts) to frolic in the foam together. Now if THAT doesn't have you sleeping with one eye open !! STRIPPERS ? The promise of naked chicks wandering through the house generally peaks most guy's interest..... unless of course your name is Russ. First we had Chef Pus who found a naked chick passed out in the hallway and, instead of seizing the obvious opportunity for a little hanky panky, wrapped the poor girl up in a blanket and tucked her into bed without so much as a single photo for the website. When our pal Russell 'Midget Love' said he'd phone up a few strippers he knew down in OC to stop by and 'get naked' we all hoped for the best. What we got instead was more utter disappointment which culminated in Russell attempting to dress in one of the girl's high-heeled shoes and stand-in for them. So, for going to a foam party instead of hanging with your new housemates at the Starboard, for promising strippers and 'falling short', and most importantly, for falling asleep by 10PM EACH AND EVERY NIGHT of the weekend...... you, Russell, 'Love Muscle', 'Midget Love', 'Mini Me' are the week one Survivor Series loser for the 2003 season. Congrats !!!!